is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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