last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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