Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
