kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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