I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
