I can text with my tongue
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
