everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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