I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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