I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
