Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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