saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
