You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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