these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
