good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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