Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
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my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
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I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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