im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
