I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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