Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Text me some of your sweat
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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