i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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