epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
