I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
