i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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