You're so nebulous sometimes
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
