she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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