I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
