she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
