Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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