Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
