I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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