what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
