so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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