I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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