my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
