You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
