i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
