Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
