Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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