Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
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I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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