My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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