i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
