just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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