Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
