From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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