This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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