I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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