Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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