FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
