And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
