I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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