Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
