So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
