Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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