Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
