Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think people are normalizing furries
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
