So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't deserve a penis
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
