I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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