i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
