i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
