I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
