I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
